I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
