Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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