How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
