I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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