Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
