my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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