I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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