I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
