who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
