i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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