I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
