How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
