So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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