First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i would one night stand the shit outta him
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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