I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
