i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
