Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
