found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize