I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
