But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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