On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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