My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
