he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
