God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
