i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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