I wish I could teleport
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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