They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
