Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
