My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
