Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
