I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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