"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
