Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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