You made me cry and you don't even care
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
