So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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