do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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