I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
