Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
