Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
