I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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