Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you win again, gameday.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
