so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
