I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
