That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
