I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
