Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
