remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
