It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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