a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
