I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
