have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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