I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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