You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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