Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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