I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I supernannyed him into submission
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
