never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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