can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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