she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
