everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There's always time for handjobs
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
