Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
