This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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