I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
