Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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