Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
