Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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