you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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