I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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