i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
