Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
