she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
