My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
